an outlet
to all who are reading this...don't worry about me when you read this entry.. i will be alright in a few days..i contemplated writing this entry in another blog so that people won't worry about me..but i just feel that this blog about my 4-month aussie experience would not be complete without blogging about its downs.. it would just feel very superficial and one dimensional. so here it is.
it's been a few times that i've been a wuss bag and almost shed tears in australia. the first time..when i was here all alone for the first day and calling home. The second time, when I felt the whole world was blaming me for someone's serious mishap. And today was the third time. I was just in the shower.. i was thinking about some things that some people said to me.. and at the same time..i just suddenly felt so badly to want to be home. to be amongst my family. i thought of my mum.. and i thought of my granny. i thought of all the wonderful sacrificial things they've been doing for me all these years.
and the tears just came. they came and kept coming.
maybe i've been watching too much reality tv..which probably stirs up all ur emotional nerves. was watching master chef today.. and how this guy was paired up with a lady to cook a 2 course meal in an elimination round. and halfway through, she just left. walked out on him. and decided that she wanted to leave the competition. he was left to complete the whole thing by himself in the span of about 1 1/2 hr. everyone was rooting for him, he just kept going and he nv bucked in the face of all that stress. in the end, when they announced the 2 teams that wouldn't be eliminated, he wasn't one of them.
somehow, i feel like that guy. i feel like him at the point where i am standing in front of the judges and they'd just revealed the teams that would not be eliminated, but he wasn't one of them. he would probably have been crushed..knowing he'd tried so so hard.. and yet they still didn't let him back in.
i came to aust with loads of apprehension. feeling that i'd never be good enough. but nevertheless. i tried my best this whole time..psycho-ing myself never to compare..but to always just do the best i can. i know there's probably no need to do so given the circumstances.. but it's just a personal expectation that i set for myself. i believe put up a valiant fight.. and enjoyed myself and made many memories along the way. and i was just becoming a teeny bit confident that i could actually stand a chance at being 'good enough'. but well..as i said. the moment of truth came and the verdict was passed.
i never stood a chance in the first place. it's just the way i'm made, the way i'm built, the way i am. no matter how hard i try ...it's gonna be like that, perhaps wherever i go.
that was probably what got the tears going. the disappointment that nothing i do would make things better because it's just the way things are.
back to that guy in masterchef. his fighting spirit eventually got him a reprieve and the judges let him back in cause they admired his courage, and admired his spirit to keep going.
i will keep going, and i hope i get that reprieve.
it's been a few times that i've been a wuss bag and almost shed tears in australia. the first time..when i was here all alone for the first day and calling home. The second time, when I felt the whole world was blaming me for someone's serious mishap. And today was the third time. I was just in the shower.. i was thinking about some things that some people said to me.. and at the same time..i just suddenly felt so badly to want to be home. to be amongst my family. i thought of my mum.. and i thought of my granny. i thought of all the wonderful sacrificial things they've been doing for me all these years.
and the tears just came. they came and kept coming.
maybe i've been watching too much reality tv..which probably stirs up all ur emotional nerves. was watching master chef today.. and how this guy was paired up with a lady to cook a 2 course meal in an elimination round. and halfway through, she just left. walked out on him. and decided that she wanted to leave the competition. he was left to complete the whole thing by himself in the span of about 1 1/2 hr. everyone was rooting for him, he just kept going and he nv bucked in the face of all that stress. in the end, when they announced the 2 teams that wouldn't be eliminated, he wasn't one of them.
somehow, i feel like that guy. i feel like him at the point where i am standing in front of the judges and they'd just revealed the teams that would not be eliminated, but he wasn't one of them. he would probably have been crushed..knowing he'd tried so so hard.. and yet they still didn't let him back in.
i came to aust with loads of apprehension. feeling that i'd never be good enough. but nevertheless. i tried my best this whole time..psycho-ing myself never to compare..but to always just do the best i can. i know there's probably no need to do so given the circumstances.. but it's just a personal expectation that i set for myself. i believe put up a valiant fight.. and enjoyed myself and made many memories along the way. and i was just becoming a teeny bit confident that i could actually stand a chance at being 'good enough'. but well..as i said. the moment of truth came and the verdict was passed.
i never stood a chance in the first place. it's just the way i'm made, the way i'm built, the way i am. no matter how hard i try ...it's gonna be like that, perhaps wherever i go.
that was probably what got the tears going. the disappointment that nothing i do would make things better because it's just the way things are.
back to that guy in masterchef. his fighting spirit eventually got him a reprieve and the judges let him back in cause they admired his courage, and admired his spirit to keep going.
i will keep going, and i hope i get that reprieve.
posted by butterfingers at
11:43 PM
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